about me · Personal

Anxiety

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I recently read an article on anxiety that I found very interesting, and I suggest reading it if someone close to you has an anxiety disorder.

In the beginning of 2015, I started having serious anxiety. It started with just little thoughts here and there. It was brewing in my head, I had these thoughts that everyone was starting to dislike me, to turn their backs on me. Then I got into an amazing relationship, and everything seemed to be fine again. In the summer, my dance team and I performed at the DANO festival in Toronto. It wasn’t my first performance, but it was our first competition. About half an hour before our performance, I started shaking, panicking. I walked away from everyone, just to be alone, and I tried to calm myself. It didn’t work. I went back to my team to get on the stage and started crying. The music started, and I was waiting for my cue to get on stage, still crying. I did the performance then got off the stage as quickly as possible because I was shaking, I felt dizzy. I managed to calm down, thanks to my friends and boyfriend.

From that day, everything went downhill. My anxiety started eating at my brain like cancer. I couldn’t trust my boyfriend, always questioned his love for me, questioned his intentions. It got bad with my dance team,  and I turned to cutting and scratching myself. I felt like my closest friends didn’t care about me, so I distanced myself.  Then, at the end of August, I left for Korea. On top of my current anxiety, I fell into depression from having left everyone I cared for.  I was still with my boyfriend, and I pushed him to the point of breaking. Whenever he skyped me, it was never enough, I was never happy with what I had. I couldn’t believe it whenever he said I had nothing to worry about, that he loved me. It didn’t make sense to me, why would he date a girl that left him to go live on the other side of the planet? How could he stay faithful to me when I was nothing but a problem? How could he be faithful when he was constantly surrounded by beautiful girls, when he has fangirls that lived in the same city? I wasn’t worth it, and he wouldn’t be seeing me for the next year. I convinced him to come live with me for a couple of months. He gave up his pride to try to raise money to come visit me. But my mind was still blinding me from seeing all the efforts he made to help me feel happy again. He didn’t manage to raise money, and sadly, I pushed him too far before I was able to buy him the round-trip ticket. I was waiting to receive my first paycheck to surprise him with the ticket, but he broke up with me before I had the chance. I lost the only thing I never wanted to lose. The distance made me crazy, and I became toxic to him, and everyone around. I handled the breakup in the worse way possible, and I am not proud of the things I did. Sadly, it’s too late, I can’t erase what has been done.

The distance also made me question a lot of my close friendships. Thankfully, after the breakup, I have gotten close to people who were able to serve as anchors. I wish I had opened to them when I was still with my boyfriend, because it might have helped me control some of my thoughts. Tony and Gillian, I am forever in debt to you guys. You have helped me put my feet on the ground again, when I felt like the gravity couldn’t hold me anymore. You have kept me from going literally crazy. And I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I’m not sure how it came to this, what caused my anxiety, but I know I never wanted this. I didn’t realize what was happening to me until just recently. Since Korea is known for keeping mental disorders taboo, I wasn’t able to get help here. When I come home, I will do my best to get professional help, and try to fix the problems I have caused. Apologize to the people I hurt. I am fighting everyday against myself, and it’s an extremely tiring fight.

Lastly, I will end with this quote, from the article, that really hit the spot.

 I am fighting for control over my life every day, understand that. I am a handful, and I know it. I am not always easy to have in your life, but if you let me, I will always be there for you. I will never forget the way you held on when most people would let go.

When I say “I have anxiety,” I am both warning you what you are in for and thanking you for choosing me anyway.

 

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