Even though our talk went well, every time I try to talk to you I find myself going crazy. Getting angry at the smallest thing, or overthinking, or painful questions pop up in my head. I’ve realized that it’s because I still haven’t forgiven you. Even though you looked like you meant it when you said you were sorry for how you treated me while I was in Korea, I still haven’t forgiven you for all the pain you brought me.
I haven’t forgiven you for emotionally cheating on me. I know that you did this at least on 4 different occasions when we were together. You would message your ex, telling her you still had feelings for her, that you missed her, then would turn around and look me straight in the eyes and tell me how much you loved me. The first time you did this, you told me about it and it completely broke my trust. It made me overanalyze everything you did, and it led me to check your messages. The other times, you did it behind my back, lying to my face and I found the truth by seeing the messages myself.
I haven’t forgiven you for leaving me at the hardest point of my life. When I moved to Korea, I fell hard into depression. Leaving you was the hardest thing I had ever done, and leaving my friends was also extremely hard. I had given up on everything I loved to come to a place where I felt terribly alone. You tried to help me, and you did. I was getting better, I was just very slow at recovering. But to you, it didnt look like I was getting better, and you just dropped me. The bit of progress I had made disappeared in flames and you sent me to hell.
I haven’t forgiven you for not supporting me in dancing. I told you that the guy I dated before never came to see me dance, and that it made me feel like he had been ashamed of me. Well you had promised me you wouldn’t be like that. You didn’t come to support me at Future Shock Ottawa when you clearly knew I needed your support. Instead, you spent the whole day with your ex-girlfriend and lied to me about it. When we filmed a cover together and it was released, you couldn’t even share it, or like it. You never shared any of my covers with my dance teams. I never said anything except for the one where we danced together. You were embarrassed of our cover. It fucking broke me.
But I still love you, and I can’t forgive myself for that. I fucking hate that I love you, because it hurts so much. I started cutting myself again, but you couldn’t care less right? You never cared.