Messages to him

Hey

It took me a while to write this. It’s something I have had in my head for so long, some of it came out not too long ago on my tumblr, but it needed to be longer. How are you doing?  Ah, I hate writing this. I wish I could just sit with you, have a couple drinks, and talk about life like we used to. You know I’m a good listener. You seem happy with that girl. But then again, you’re really good at hiding things. Yes, I know you’ll probably be angry, I still check up on you from time to time. Not as often as I did though, pretty rarely actually! Do you do the same with me? Probably not. How is your job going? Are you still making bubble tea? I’ve stopped going to these places by fear of bumping into you. Although I must admit, I’ve had the urge to go just so I could see your face. I saw you a couple months ago at the Asian night market after isolating myself from you for so long. I was okay. I didn’t cry, and being in the same area as you felt okay for the first time. I was doing better. Meeting lots of new people, working at a job I love. I hope it’s the same for you. Recently I’ve been relapsing a bit, I’ve just been so drained out by people around me. You know the feeling. I’ve started dance again, but I think it might have been a mistake. I don’t know if I’m ready to be performing at the same event as you and your girlfriend. I’m trying to keep my head up, but I’m scared of it affecting me at the December Gala. Anyway, I hope you haven’t given up on school, you have so much to look forward to. How’s life at home? I miss your mom’s smile, and seeing you and your brother act silly together, and most of all Kahlua. It’s the little things, you know. Sometimes I try to remember your face, but I’ve pushed you and the pain so far away that I can’t anymore. All I remember is that seeing happiness in your face, your eyes sparkling and that huge smile made me so warm inside of my heart. I miss that feeling. I haven’t had that feeling in over a year. Wow, it’s been more than a year since I’ve held you in my arms. Is it wrong that still, to this day, I miss you? I know you’re probably a totally different person now from the person I fell for. Hell, I can’t recognize myself from when I was with you. But I just want to sit with you, make you laugh like I used to, hear you talk about anything that makes you happy. Even if what makes you happy is your new girl. Even if I’m not the cause of your happiness anymore, it still brings me joy to know that you’re doing good. Because deep down, I know I still love you, and I don’t think I can ever stop no matter how hard I try.

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