about me · Personal

Ill

I have clinically been diagnosed with severe depression, as well as severe anxiety in the beginning of summer 2016. It is November 2016, and I have already lost so many people because of my illnesses. People I love, people I called close friends. When friends tell you that when you’re in a slump over something, they just “don’t want to hear about any of it”, any of the bad in my life. When they expect me to act all happy all the time, faking that everything is okay while there is a storm going on inside of me. They are telling me that they cannot accept me. Because these illnesses, it doesn’t matter if I never welcomed them, god knows I never wanted any of this, these illnesses are a part of me. They are two ginormous monsters that I cannot get rid of. They will be with me forever. I mean, I can get better with help, but they will always be lurking in the background, just waiting for me to let down my guard to consume my entire being all over again. People around me don’t understand that I am fighting against myself every. single. day. To some extent I can understand them taking their distances from me, because they don’t have my illnesses, they haven’t been through what I have, and because there are so many stigmas concerning mental health. To not want to be around someone with severe clinical depression is understandable, but to call that person dramatic, that is another story. Would you call someone with cancer dramatic? To know that people gave up on me the very first chance they got. That they didn’t try to be there for me, to just listen, because in all honesty that is all I ever needed. That they acted like we were friends, but I find out that they never liked me… It tears me down. I can’t let new people in, because now I know the risks. I know they will quickly leave me. Why would anyone new stick by me through the mess that I am, when people I have know for a long time, before I became this destroyed soul, walk out on me the minute I go bad? I have People are giving up on me, why should I keep fighting?

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