about me · Personal

No more

Yesterday was a big day. I have made so much progress recently, becoming stronger and happier with myself. Making the decision of leaving the Ottawa K-pop performance scene has been a hard choice; I don’t see my friends as often, I don’t exercise or dance every week. But by taking a step away from it all, I’ve seen how toxic it was for me. Hearing about all the drama, being part of it, having to expose myself to people that bring nothing but negativity to my life, I have finally quit all of it to become a healthier person. Yes, I miss it terribly, performing on stage is one of the things that give me the most pride and joy. I do miss some people, but I’ve kept close to me those who really matter. I am still technically part of the K-pop dance scene, but I chose to only restrict myself to doing covers, bringing both my passion and my well-being together.

Yesterday was a big proof of my improvement and progress. I asked my best friend to accompany me during difficult task so that I would not back out of it. While he was oblivious to what I was about to do, I went to my makeup corner to look for my contact lenses case. Within the case was an object that I both have hate and lust for: the razor blade I used to self-harm. Once I took it out and he realized what I was about to do, I saw the relief and happiness in his eyes, and he hugged me close. I then put the blade in a garbage bag and threw it away down the garbage chute. I haven’t hurt myself since I decided to quit the Ottawa K-pop scene, and I will not cut myself ever again. My scars will heal, my heart will heal, my mind will heal. I am healing.

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