about me · Personal

Stuck in a simulation

Pills_copy.jpegLast April, I met up with my doctor to get checked about my mental health. Like I said in a previous post, I have severe anxiety and severe depression. When he met me and we talked about it, he said that he was thinking of placing me in a psychiatric ward for my own safety. When I promised him that I was all about healing myself, and that I wasn’t a danger to myself, he prescribed me this medication called Sertraline at a dose of 25mg. We set up another appointment to meet 3 weeks later to see how I was doing mentally, how my body was reacting to the medication and if I was still self-harming. After talking for a bit, he decided to change the dosage to 100mg seeing that I didn’t seem to have side effects. He told me that if I felt the need to, I could double it to 200 or lower it to 50mg.

I took 100 for a while, and when I felt better, I adjusted to 50mg and stayed on it for a year. Still to this day, I continue taking it, but I hate it. I hate not being able to feel emotions properly. I feel as if everything I experience is average. I don’t get excited or overjoyed, I don’t fall head over heels, I don’t care if I hurt someone, I don’t get depressed; basically anything I feel is an average “meh”. When my cat passed away, that’s when I realized that I was just emotionless. I cried for maybe 5 minutes, wiped my tears went to work and didn’t think more about it.

When I noticed I wasn’t grieving properly (because if you know me, you know I absolutely loved my cat, and I should have been devastated), I stopped taking the medication. It was fine for a couple of weeks, then I started self-harming again and being suicidal. I relapsed quite hard. My mother noticed, we talked about it, but in the end she convinced me to take it again. I did. Up until last week. For some reason I stopped, and I don’t want to take it anymore. I don’t know if I hate being depressed more than I hate being emotionless. Why cant I function like a normal person, why do I have to rely on a small white and yellow pill? Every time I take it, I am reminded of how fucked up my head is. The one organ that controls my whole body is poisoned. If I don’t take it, I spiral down into a dark dark suicidal tunnel. If I do, I feel like a robot, empty inside. I h.a.t.e taking it, but I can’t live without it.

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