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I want to do it, but I’m scared. If there was a way to guarantee that if I did it, I’d still be able to watch over my family and loved ones, I would not hesitate at all. I want to do it, because I can’t anymore. Everything falls apart. I fall apart. A year and a half of this. I can’t handle it anymore. It’s just downs and downs with tiny ups, but the ups are not enough anymore. There is nothing to hold onto anymore; I’ve pushed everyone and everything away. I’m exhausted. So why not? Because I want to make sure everyone I love is okay, I want to be around to look at them from afar to see the great things they’ll accomplish. Because I’ll miss them. I miss them all now, and it hurts. I just want the pain to go away. If I can’t feel, if I’m nothing but a shadow floating around the people I love without any worry, will I be in peace? I believe so. And even if I stop believing it, I can’t do this anymore.

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