Personal

Home?

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I’ve tried so hard to be happy here. I’ve been in Ottawa for almost 7 full years now, and it still doesn’t feel like home. I’ve moved every single year; I haven’t had a permanent home, the only one being 9 hours away in New-Brunswick. I’ve had so many different roommates; often strangers, but the most important ones were best friends that slowly drifted away from me. I’ve made great friends in a dance community that I was part of for years, until I made the biggest mistake of my life and it became too toxic for me to be in. It nearly killed me. Lost friendships, rumors, drama. I’ve lost and been hurt so much. Lovers. Oh, lovers that broke my heart. All so devastating on whom I was. Either I was too “asianized” or too “white”. I loved too much or too little. I was never good enough, or at least “not good enough for now”. I don’t know who I am anymore, all I know is that I was made to care and love. I don’t know what I want, I just know that I don’t want to be left alone. I don’t know who I want to be, I just know that I don’t want to be broken. I don’t know where I want to be, maybe I don’t want to be here? This city holds so many bad memories, and I’m realizing that there are way more bad ones now that there are good ones. Maybe I should just leave Ottawa. Maybe I should get a transfer with my job to another city, anywhere. Or go back home, the only home I ever had: my mother. I’m sick of always breaking down and starting from scratch with literally nothing. I have nothing left here. Where do you go when you lose the person who was your home?

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