You knew what it meant. When you said “If we sleep together, it means that it’s guaranteed that I will come back”, I said “no, I come in a package, I don’t sleep around anymore”. I had told you beforehand that when I was sleeping around before I met you, it made me hate myself, and hating myself was what I wanted. You knew all of this. Yet even when I said we can’t have sex mid-kiss, you didn’t care to hurt me, you just wanted what you wanted; to have someone suck you off. You were in it just for the sex, like I thought. You may not be a fuckboy, but I think you might want to be one, because you definitely act like one. Of course I wanted to sleep with you, I fucking love you and want you back. But I was vulnerable and you reduced me to exactly what I told you I didn’t want to be. Our relationship was meant to fail, even if I tried to be less jealous. You wanna know why? Because you never opened to me. I felt crazy because no matter what I did, no matter how much I loved you, you kept yourself so far from me, didn’t include me in your life. You wanted to act like a fuckboy, as if that’s a good thing. You were scared. But scared of what? You knew I would be there to catch you if you fell, you knew I would make you smile when you cried, you knew I would have done anything for you. You knew all of that, yet you chose to push me away, but keep me close enough to hurt me. Come back when you’re ready to try. When it’s not just me trying. Because that’s what it’s always been. Me trying and drowning, and you just looking at me and running away at every progress we made. Come back when you’re ready to be loved, but most importantly to love back.


One thought on “Vulnerable

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